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My eyes are bigger than my stomach.

10 November 2012

My personal track record seems to be telling me 

that it’s hard for me to be totally honest with myself about myself, 

both about what I can do and what I can’t or won’t or don’t want to do. 

On a quite regular basis,

I tell myself I’ll do it and I have a good feeling about that I’m going to do it 

and I go to bed thinking about how I am going to do it 

and feeling good as I drift into sleep on that certainty. 

And then, when I wake up ?  

It’s a

- Whole

- Different

- World

- Different

- Story

- Different

- fuckin’

      UNIVERSE, 

and I have NO desire to do it at all, 

which leaves me wondering when it was, exactly, 

how it was, please,

that I told or bought the lie, 

slipped it in and swallowed it.

Fall Back, Time.

Where I live, here in Upstate New York, this coming Sunday 4 November at 2:00 am, it'll be time to set the clock back sixty minutes; you know, "Fall back, Spring ahead." For me, this Daylight Savings horseshit puts the pressure on and yet also takes it off all at the same time cuz the action of changing the clocks serves to remind me that we're heading into the dark, cold, shorter days of winter. But it takes the pressure off, too, since I'll be able to drag my ass out of bed in the morning at what the clock will say is 8:00 (okay, I'll actually get out of bed around 10:00 or later) but it'll actually be an hour earlier, so I'll have had an extra hour of sleep. Thing is, though, knowing I'm going to have that extra hour of sleep, I'll stay up at least an hour later cuz I'll be thinking, "Hey, I get to sleep an  hour later anyway...," so the "extra hour of sleep" is really a moot point anyway then, right?"

Trapped

What is pride? What is taking myself too seriously? How do I get into that rigid, stuffy, suffocated state? How do I get out of it?
I suppose acknowledging there is a possibility there's such a state is the first step...
Then becoming aware that the nasty feeling I'm experiencing could be because I'm in that state.
And, finally, through acknowledging that I'm in that state... POP... and I'm out of it... maybe.
What about the word,
"ACKNOWLEDGING"
Is that how it's spelled?
Writing it twice got me turned around. Feels like it's misspelled with the "dg" but when I take it out it looks even more crooked.
And bedtime?
What's the right bed time?
How much sleep do I need?
How do I discover how much sleep I need?
Just sleep until I'm not sleepy?
Starve myself of sleep until I'm so exhausted that I fall over and then turn off all phones, lights, and other electrical things, close curtains, and sleep until I wake up? But what if I wake up to pee and can't get back to sleep? That does not necessarily mean I'm done sleeping. In fact, it sometimes means that, "Oh yeah, now I can go back to sleep and not be disturbed by my bladder." Ayurvedics prescribe 6, 7, or 8 hours of sleep depending on whether one is Pitta, Vata, or Kapha. Western docs say 7 -8 hours, but why that? What has to happen when we sleep? I heard it didn't have anything to do with resting the body. Rather, it's the mind that needs to check out and recharge. How do we even know THAT? Are the sleep investigator people any more knowlegeable? I mean, just because they hook people up to machines and have scads of data on sleeping patterns, how does that mean they know how much sleep we're supposed to get? And what about the different seasons? Different locations? Different times of the month? Different stressors in our lives at a given time? Jeeze. Jeeze.